Pt VI. Interesting But Not Really Jolly Developments

Lady Frastreiayal  (The one up a Mountain) was feeling more at ease. By the end of the second week following the wedding (now known by some as The Peculiar Incident  and others who thought Doctrindoss The Arch-High etc, etc could say no wrong by the more circumspect title of The Singular Incident) joy, happiness and the infuriating carefreeness were in quite short supply around the place.

King Genially had told his son and ‘the other two’ their plan was quite the biggest fool idea anyone had come up with since someone had raised the question ‘Should the Common People Be Consulted’? . On that occasion in keeping with the times everyone (ie the nobles) had laughed cheerfully and said ‘What a fine jest’ and so forth. Now that King Genially was in deepest sluffs of despondency he threatened to have the three of them locked up and stern letters being sent to Hulstrum and Hanselfrendlesten’s fathers explaining why. The High Diplomat reckoned that was the quite the biggest fool idea he had encountered in his long and distinguished career and he had encountered some wonderous wacky-doodles (a term he kept to himself). He advised the king it was time to be statesman- like and then to continue with his strategies of playing off Hasselduff, Moochenmuch and Grunzelpratz against each other, by suggesting unruly folk from the other two had started it with a view to seizing bits of ‘them’ while Dingledong and Trundlealong were otherwise engaged. Trundlealong was not bothering due to a sudden increase in speculation in the Lychee Market which was pleasing King Doodle (Unofficially known as The Inconsequential) and his cartel of mildly rapacious nobility to no end. Trying to be statesman-like  King Genially told the boys he would give it due consideration (that is-never) then told them to bide their time by trying to get those silly girls out of The Manse.

King Genially was inadvertently aided by one fundamentalist Bishop Twoodoodle (was never invited to anywhere) who presided over a very backward and remote part of western Dingledong. Upon finding out by secret message from a ‘secret true believer’ as to what had taken place he roused a lot of his generally not very bright congregation and had bade them march upon Genially’s Estates to burn Princesses Aureyborealice and Whinsome at a stake as being young women it was obviously all their fault. Bad news of course travelled fast.

Whinsome was much alarmed. Aureyborealice sighed and told her not be so, for she’d seen that coming days off and knew just what was going to take place.

Her brother Frendlehanz (handsome, gardens), Whinsome’s brother Hanselfrendlesten (nearly as handsome, adventuring warrior)  and Hulstrum (unable to discern the appeal of his features due to scowl; also warrior of the grim sort) had been positive pests lurking about her manse and getting around not being allowed in by calling out long and loud such things as ‘Girls! Will you see sense?’, ‘This is not longer funny’ and to passing bishops etc ‘Will you try and talk them out of this!’. They had been harassing servants with mild threats, scaring off the song birds, worrying poor Whinsome and stopping the two girls walking in the garden.  But on hearing of a rebellious and possibly murderous mob threatening the Royal Peace…. Why? It was quite the gift to the lads. And of course the king had no objections to that sort of war!

‘There they go,’ she said to Whinsome ‘Off to supress the rebels. And I daresay anyone who makes suggestive remarks about the relationship between my brother and Hulstrum,’

‘Oh dear,’ said Whinsome ‘Blood will be shed, won’t it?’

‘Aye. ‘Fraid so,’ replied Aureyborealice idly stroking one of her messenger hawks while considering the lands to the far north-east ‘But, come dear spouse Whinsome we must prepare you for the next group of Bishops and attendant clerks. You did very well with the first two congresses,’

‘Yes, but my dear spouse Aureyborealice, they were generally well disposed because you are kind to everyone, sings with birds, talks to small furry creatures, dances barefoot in gardens and will not be in line for the throne,’

‘And you dear spouse Whinsome are intelligent, polite in your discourses and so very well read, they could not help but see your point of view,’ Aureyborealice took Whinsome’s hands and twirled her about in a slight dance ‘ I know you are worried about the next lot, them being the Old Grumpies, but I have the greatest faith in you. Come now that the young pests have gone to war let us take the chance and dance in the gardens,’

King Genially on seeing the back of the three young idiots intercepted this more solid congress of bishops and clerics and told them there would be Grave Displeasure if they did not sort of those two ridiculous girls. The said bishops assured him not to fear they would teach the wayward young women The Absolute Insight in The Will of The Supreme Being (while intimating it was time for a sorting out of several of the nation of Dingledong’s own bishops and, yea, a new Arch-High Elect Supervisor ). These men were inspired by The True Faith, The Natural Order of Things, and having disposed of all their incomes and wealth into Lychee ventures could not be taxed on anything, anyhow. (So spiffle- a mild rude word used by children and clergy- to the Chancellor of The Exchequer).

Thus although there was much debate loud and vigorous across four of the five kingdoms over who was married if any unto whom. Also more importantly (to some) who had hit who first. Things were in some sort of balance as everyone waited to see what was going to happen to this physical threat to the throne of Dingledong by a loopy bishop and his rustic bunch. Even Lady Frastreiayal( The Grim Northern Mountain of Urnnnng) was content now to sit back and let everyone else make fools of themselves while surrounding herself in an air of detached innocence and apparent complete lack of interest in the whole thing. (While being secretly, in a slight way, jolly)

However in Chilbin King Vilfahengo (The Iron) had been waiting for his son along with that clutch of fellows who followed the lad around to return and tell him what was going on. Some locals had heard ‘something’ but no one dared tell Vilfahengo (King, Iron, not well disposed to bad news) lest they had got it wrong and suffered accordingly or worse got it right and suffered even more so.

Thus, as he was glowering over his breakfast of lumpy thistle porridge in flew a messenger hawk from his most secret of spies in Dingledong. Although very secret they were also usually very dull. Normally the news was along the lines of ‘Genially still jolly‘, ‘Frendlehanz constructs another garden‘ or ‘Aureyborealice danced barefoot in the snow‘. This time once Vilfahengo read the news he dropped his spoon in his porridge then threw the porridge around the room, then ran around the room throwing things at other things, then jumped up and down on the porridge bowl, then threw bits of the bowl and other things at the servants who poked their head around the door. Then he really got annoyed.

He cursed his son for being useless, he cursed his wife for being the mother of a useless fool, (had she been alive would have cursed him right back –it had been a lively marriage) , he cursed all the retinue who had gone with his son for being even bigger fools (if that were possible-he added), he cursed their parents for birthing such useless fools, he cursed Genially for being a Jolly Careless King, he cursed Doctrindoss The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One (obviously), he cursed Prince Frendlehanz(for possibly being responsible; him and his gardens!), he cursed King Doodle of Trundlealong for being Inconsequential (which might have been valid action), he cursed Doodle’s wife (although he couldn’t recall her name), he cursed those folk of Dingledong who came to mind and he felt were to blame (quite a few actually) and he cursed random portions of Dingledong (honestly he was getting a bit carried away by then).

For good measure he rended his garments.

And then summoned, very loudly for his lords, while storming around his palace, shouting and rending garments of any courtiers who gave the wrong answers, which since the questions were incomprehensible meant a busy time for tailors (who as a result by Chilbin standards became reasonably jolly).

Chilbin was actually quite smallish, but the folk made up for this in ill-tempers when roused. The racket Vilfahengo (The Iron, King, and Noisy) carried both physically as well as allegorically and thus it did  not take long for his lords to gather. Being very loyal to both king and country on hearing his dreadful news they too cursed.  This cursing included the royal families of Dingledong and Trundlealong, the two nations in general and some folk in particular, Doctrindoss The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One and bishops in general (Chilbin having a non-conformist type of belief in The Supreme One). They did not curse Hulstrum, firstly not being sure whether they should, also because as a son, he was not a bad sort, just in the shadow of his father (a not uncommon occurrence amongst heirs to the throne- except in Trundlealong). Instead they offered sympathies. Being mostly short of spare cash they did not rend their garments, but did offer up fearful oaths of loyalty unto Vilfahengo and waved their swords to the ceiling (a quite acceptable custom in Chilbin).

With everyone fired up Vilfahengo had maps brought forth and he said (also with a fearful oath), it was time for the whole region to be sorted out and brought under sensible rule of one king. None of these sly Trade Agreements, Tax Unions and Understandings (he sneered at that point). In between his cursing, rending and throwing he had formulated a plan, he would gather the barbarians and set them loose upon Grunzelpratz, which bordered Chilbin to the east, this would distract everyone and he would then lead the whole Chilbin army into Dingledong and sort everything out. Everyone liked this idea; the folk of Grunzelpratz fancied themselves wits at the expense of Chilbinish folk with quite frankly not very good efforts at jokes such as:

‘How do you confuse a Chilbinish man? Put two shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick!’  

Strangely enough the next day there came a delegation of barbarians. It was led by the fearsome Gurt Broadsword who was big and now did not care who saw him scratch his armpits. Eventually it was worked out he was saying the tribes had heard ‘much horrible news about Prince Hulstrum being trapped by those sly weaklings in the South to satisfy their lusts and  the tribes wuz willing to help,’

Whereas Gurt Broadsword was very big and did tend to be noticeable, some of the folk standing around the edges of him could not help but notice the impatient pacing figure of  his daughter, the flame haired and fiery Magnificalorin, a girl of some learning, muttering ‘When I get hold of that fool Hulstrum !’ while without asking permission kicking chairs ‘And as for those damn’d southern trollops he’s trysting with,’ Someone had told her, at distance the ‘trollops’ might not be….girls….she had just snarled and said ‘A trollop is a trollop,’

In the south Aureyborealice (still being a princess and still liked by lots of folk) welcomed back a messenger hawk and while feeding it bits of meat conversed with the bird in their secret way.

‘Oh dear,’ she said ‘That is a bit excessive. I must converse with The High Diplomat and The Chancellor of The Exchequer,’

And gazed thoughtfully in the direction of The Grim Northern Mountain of Urnnnng.

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part I

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part II

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part III

Aureyborealice. A Fable in Several Parts…Pt IV

Aureyborealice. A Fable in Several Parts…Pt V