Pt VII. A rather jolly long ‘Pt’

The High Diplomat had never really had time for being Jolly. His job had been to make sure most folk were at least content, with a view to being happy. He accepted there were some folk who would never be so, and those who only pretended to be so because it was good for their social standing or careers. Now in view of The Peculiar & Singular Incident (he was keeping his options open) all manner of fractures were coming to various surfaces. Truth be known he could not resist a certain smugness, at least a lot of fool folk in Dingledong would now have insight into how he felt. He gazed at the pile of reports from within Dingledong, along with what was going on in Trundlealong, Hasselduff, Moochenmuch,Grunzelpratz and Turgidan (the very small chunk belonging to  The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One, located where the borders of  Dingledong’s four neighbours met). His plan to play one off against each other was quite redundant, since The Peculiar & Singular Incident, across the five kingdoms six and thirty major groups had arisen all with something (generally incomprehensible) to say about the event, resulting in about six and fifty different opinions. He did not bother with Chilbin, he knew what they thought without asking.  His comrade The Chancellor of the Exchequer had confirmed there was queasiness in the trading markets and lack of confidence in the currencies, as a security folk were placing investments in The Lychee trade, even to the hysterical extent of trading in their gold and silver. While he shuffled markers about on his map he just hoped no one was stupid enough to…

A messenger came in, hot-foot and dishevelled from a hard ride of days and night and several horses.

‘King Jerbloom of Grunzelpratz has given way to an association of doctrinal bishops, three opportunistic dukes and one of his three singularly useless sons, in this case Kurntool and has allowed a True Holy Army to march upon Turgidan with a view to unseating the current The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One on the grounds of Blasphemy, Idolatry, Stupidity and Senility. Apparently Kurntool wanted to add some rather baser insults but was told to shut up, by the opportunistic dukes,’

… march upon Turgidan with a view to unseating the current The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One on the grounds of Blasphemy, Idolatry, Stupidity and Senility….The High Diplomat sighed.

At that juncture in breezed Princess Aureyborealice.

‘I am sorry to bother you High Diplomat, good sir. Is it true that an army out of Grunzelpratz led by an association of doctrinal bishops, three opportunistic dukes and one of King Jerbloom’s three singularly useless sons, in this case Kurntool  marches upon Turgidan with a view to unseating the current The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One?’

‘My lady?’ he asked, trying not to stare hard at her and sound as if he were about to have her handed over to his interrogators. ‘How came you by this information?’

Aureyborealice gave out with a slight shrug and her famous cheery smile, she stepped about his chamber in such a light and flowing manner The High Diplomat wondered if she was going to explain by means of dance and a light song.

‘I hear things here and there,’ she replied and with a light laugh ‘As you do. Such as the massing of those very northern barbarians at the behest of King Vilfahengo  with the intention of invading the aforementioned Grunzelpratz, which should ensure that if there were an army despatched by King Jerbloom and led by an association of doctrinal bishops, three opportunistic dukes and one of his three singularly useless sons, in this case Kurntool, it will have to stop invading Turgidan and march right back to defend its own lands,’ the next light laugh was downright disturbing ‘ It would be all rather amusing, save there will be blood shed in Grunzelpratz, in addition to that amongst the ranks of those following  Bishop Twoodoodle. My brother and his spouse,’ The High Diplomat winced, bloodshed was never a problem, someone calling one prince another prince’s spouse was. Princess Aureyborealice seemed to care not ‘And I expect my brother-in-law Hanselfrendlesten will be swift in the despatch. They all seem so cross.  Hanselfrendlesten wasn’t to begin with though he is now. I expect it is because he can’t take advantage of all the ruckuses and invade Hasselduff, Moochenmuch and Grunzelpratz and thus set up his own  kingdom ahead of inheriting Trundlealong, with a view to gaining suzerainty over Dingledong as there would appear to be no heirs forthcoming. Hmmm?’

The High Diplomat was versed in the many forms ‘Hmmm’ could take.  The girl was fascinating him in a troubling way. Finance and now diplomacy? He let the poor messenger ( hot-foot and dishevelled from a hard ride of days and night and several horses.) go and collapse somewhere, then gain refreshment. The High Diplomat bade the door be closed and guarded, along with the windows, the chimney and the basement beneath.

‘And why would these barbarians act at Vilfahengo’s behest, princess?’  he asked in his most coldly polite and with an undercurrent of grim humoured sort of way

Aureyborealice countered with one cheery smile most fearful in its disarmingness, backed by an undercurrent of what some lesser folk might think was as the result of an inventive imagination.

‘I suppose despite the best efforts of your agents to spread rumours of bad weather and chasing bridesmaids, King Vilfahengo (The Iron) of Chilbin has uncovered the true nature of the circumstance his son Hulstorm has found himself in. Thus is now very cross and intends to impose his will on all five nations to the south putting an end to this and several other situations he does not care for. He could, possibly, also be expecting a lot of support from the more grumpier or opportunistic folk within all five nations,’

She cocked her head, of course shrugged AND simpered.

‘Just a thought. But I must away now to be of support to my dearest Whinsome; Spouse By The Will and Wisdom of The Supreme Being, As Declared and Witnessed By The Arch-High Elect Supervisor,’ she said, quickly and coherently, twirling. 

‘Your are walking into a cupboard door Princess,’ The High Diplomat warned, maybe, just maybe she was simply a giddy child with occasional intuitive insights and quick at picking up on the slightest of gossip. In response she twirled even more and grinned, opened the door stepping in, continuing talking, her voice beginning to echo and fade.

‘Gosh High Diplomat. Did you not know there was a triple access series of secret panels here allowing route between your offices and the various royal apartments? ‘Twas set up by your predecessor’s predecessor during the days of my Great Grandfather Ferrous (The Grim). Apparently the reason was….’

He did not hear the rest.  

He’d thought there was only a dual access series of secret panels and now she’d not only trampled over but probably had snaffled some of his most secret papers.

Spiffle!

Princess Whinsome could not help but feel very jittery about this meeting. The first two had not been so bad because thanks to dearest Aureyborealice (Spouse By The Will and Wisdom of The Supreme Being, As Declared and Witnessed By The Arch-High Elect Supervisor)’s character references and her experiences of Trundelalong’s own bishops she had been quite prepared, even if, on these occasions, she had not really had much chance to display her theological knowledge .

First had come the three of the sort who wanted to keep on the right side of The Arch-High Elect Supervisors for The Supreme One with a view of advancement and like many others also The Chancellor of the Exchequer. She had barely got her first statement out before they had said ‘Quite so. Quite so. You had no option child. Be on good(e) faith and all shall be well’ They didn’t elaborate, although did consume respectable amount of the cakes and wine prepared for the meeting, while making well-meaning but patronising remarks wherein the term ‘child’ was oft inserted. Whinsome had not felt particularly juvenile at the time but as advised by dearest Aureyborealice smiled inanely nonetheless.

Secondly along came two very grave men of sombre clothing and headgear, carrying  tomes large enough to ensure the whole world knew how serious and studious they were. They listened intently to her, nodded a lot, then when she was out of breath, discussed the whole business to each other in opaque and verbose ways paying her no further attention until when they had got through all the wine and cakes on offer. Then they bade her farewell and ‘To be of good(e) faith and all shall well. ‘Tis complex,’. They had not passed comment on her perceived age. To pass the time she had sewn herself a small lace shawl.

Now came, as sweet Aureyborealice had termed them, The Grumpies. On Aureyborealice’s advice with a view to bringing them down to size Whinsome termed the trio as Ol’ Sour Fizzog, Baldy Pate, and Ancient Sniffy Nose. Baldy Pate a well fleshed man of dyspeptic continuance gruffly and in an inexcusable display of ill-manners refused both cake and wine.

‘This foolishness must cease princess,’ he asserted, being of the sort who feels sharpness takes precedence over fact or weight of argument. Encouraged by the sight of delightful Aureyborealice outside at a window to the rear of the three men and pulling the most inventive faces Whinsome took the rhetorical field.

‘I fear you have the advantage of me bishop. To what are we referring? If you are here to discuss the Marriage then I feel somewhat concerned for your soul sir. Are you inferring this foolishness you refer to relates to actions of Doctrindoss The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One? If so you should address this directly to His Supervisory. The more I dwell on your statement the more alarm I feel. For is not His Supervisory blessed(ed) with the Voice of the Supreme One? I would urge caution bishop for there are those in these febrile times who would interpret your statement as blasphemy, which of course cannot be correct? Are you sure you wouldn’t like a cake?’

Baldy Pate’s face went an odd colour, he spluttered and turned about, Aureyborealice had ducked out of site, but the fellow was still distracted by view from the window, he felt he had seen for a briefest instant a single middle finger raised.

Meanwhile Ol’ Sour Fizzog advanced up Whinsome, his mouth turned down so far as she wondered his he could make it into a circle. His gaze harsh. When he spoke it was in the most lacklustre monotone she had ever heard, and through the attentions of Trundlealong’s bishopric and cleric society she had heard some wonderous cures for insomnia.

‘Dear Child,’ he began in a manner which suggested no discernible signs of charity or warmth ‘Art though blinded by thy natural vanity and weakness of flesh and will? Canst thou not understand this unnatural binding of man unto man and woman unto woman,’ Whinsome was sure he’d briefly licked his lips ‘Is repellent in the sight of Our Supreme One. For it is written ‘Marriage is a state holy and blessed. A wall against sinful acts, woeful lusts and base appetites. A sanctuary in which procreation shall taketh place,’ his mouth returned to its more than half circle and his eyes remained full of bale.

Over his bony shoulder Whinsome could discern Baldy Pate goggling at the brief appearance of one bare foot, the toes of which wiggled. He rushed to the window, by his confusion she guessed Aureyborealice had scooted off. Whinsome thus fortified spake(th).

‘Good Bishop,’ which she felt Ol’ Sour Fizzog wasn’t ‘ Indeed Marriage is a state holy and blessed(ed) and once entered into doth and shouldest act against base, sinful acts and so forth. Now when we come to procreation, the translation hath been open to debate for some time. For should a man and woman married in all due faith and love not produce children, art they in sin? If they are goodly by all other acts and benevolences, yet produce no children are they in sin? By their union and joy of love spread forth goodness into their community art they not procreating goodness? Hence I see nothing which I nor Princess Aureyborealice art doing differently. For under her guidance I understand charity and goodness unto those less fortunate. I see joy in The Supreme Being’s creation, and am happy moreso than ever, thus offer up prayers of gratitude and devotion unto The Supreme Being for His Devine Guidance and Henceforth am Safeforth in His Keeping,’

At this she offered him a cake. By his reaction of disgust she wondered (irreverently) if he belonged to a line of theological thought which felt cake was a frivolity which led unto sin. She did not pursue the matter. He was about to retort when up doddered Ancient Sniffy Nose who in his urge to say something nudged aside Ol’ Sour Fizzog.

‘Umm, child,’ he began in a quavering voice ‘If it were so. Which if it were, thence would there not be many folk both men and women, all in unions of men and men and women and women, and there wouldst be fewer children,’ he paused to sniff ‘And thus wouldst there be shortage of generations to worship and praise the Supreme Being, y’see?’

‘My Good Bishop,’ Whinsome began, generously and with a warm smile, because he reminded her of her great uncle Duke Runleson who she had always found amusing and kindly if somewhat vague ‘Surely the general disposition of men and women being what it is-‘

At that stage the bishop turned away looking to his associate (known to Whinsome) as Baldy Pate

‘Bishop Hylorididoda. Why dust thou gaze out of yonder window? Art there interesting butterflies?’ sniff ‘Or are the petunias in bloom not of normal shades?’ Cometh away from these whimsicalities and ,’ pause ‘Oh are those current cakes child? I have not seen such comely current cakes,’ he addressed Ol’ Sour Fizzog ‘What say you Bishop Humfelsteffstong? Have you seen such delightful offerings? Why thank you child. Yes I shall partake of one…Why yes two would be most gladsome….Now where were we?’ sniff ‘Yes to this business of butterflies. I feel you young women are too wont to adorn yourselves with images of them. They are all very good in the natural way, but to place lace versions in your hair,’

‘Quite so. Quite so,’ agreed Whinsome rapidly, seeing an opportunity to swerve the conversation right out of the playcourt, as it were  ‘For doth not the Supreme Being delight in seeing his creations live in simplicity of their natural gifts?’ and smiled warmly at the old fellow. She would have to speak to Aureyborealice about calling him Ancient Sniffy Nose, it was a bit harsh. Though it was difficult to be cross with someone who could pull such magnificently funny faces behind the backs of the other two bishops

King Genially was talking to his lords about matters military and bringing the peasants sternly to order which was a bit of a shock to his lords. Not like the king at all. These thoughts evaporated when in burst Bishops Humfelsteffstong and Hylorididoda, the latter brushing crumbs off of his robes.

‘My good bishops,’ Genially boomed, not sounding the least bit jolly ‘How went your conference with my daughter and….her…ahem..with Princess Whinsome. And where is Bishop Quirrblelong?’

‘My King,’ grimaced Humfelsteffstong ‘ Bishop Quirrblelong has declared for them as quite harmless and is staying in their Manse because your daughter,’ he cleared his throat as if gargling with small rocks ‘Has said and I quote ‘You and Bishop Hylorididoda will be mean and nasty to, Dear old Bishop Quirrblelong and anyway he deserves cakes’. She then prodded me with a bishopric staff,’

A silence singular fell on the room.

Far away on a particularly chill and stormy day, the servants of Lady Frastreiayal wondered why their Lady was suddenly sniggering.

So was she.

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part I

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part II

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part III

Aureyborealice. A Fable in Several Parts…Pt IV

Aureyborealice. A Fable in Several Parts…Pt V

Aureyborealice. A Fable in Several Parts…Pt VI

Pt V. Plans, Plots and Workarounds (With not evidence of much jolliness) 

A variety of  Stillness(es) settled over the area of Dingledong where the proposed wedding of Prince Frendlehanz (the presently Unhappy With The Whole Business) to Princess Whinsome (currently given to much thought and… in comparison to Prince Frendlehanz… mature reflection) was supposed to have taken place. There was the confused sort, the angry sort, the sullen sort and the downright ‘What The Frib’ (the mild oath) Is Going On’ sort. The older generation of nobility, royalty and clergy had repaired to respective apartments to have various bumps, bruises, and other attendant injuries seen to while insisting ‘someone’ without being specific on the matter would have to called to account; anything to cover up their distinct lack of dignity that day.

Meanwhile in yet another secluded apartment princes Frendlehanz, Hulstrum and Hanselfrendlesten gathered in a grim sort of fraternal acknowledgement that the others ‘had acquitted themselves, not so badly’ that day. Hanselfrendlesten was determined to find the jolly, albeit questionably, side of things.

‘In my experience this how weddings often go. Assassination attempts, kidnappings foiled or otherwise, sudden flight of bride or groom with secret lover and a subsequent war. In this respect things are so much simpler in the far away eastern lands,’

‘Attendant war?’ Hulstrum’s ears allegorically levitated, he had been trying to think of an excuse to avoid telling his father what had come to pass. In his limited experience of basic economies and barbaric societies wars solved problems. ‘How so?’

‘Well,’ drawled Frendlehanz who had been doodling out a plan for a garden so grand you could store a town in it and thus his mind turning to acuqesitions of land not that of his father’s or loyal nobles (cronies) ‘We could blame it all on Hasselduff, Moochenmuch or Grunzelpratz either singularly or in any sort of secret alliance. There was much supressed ill-feeling I was not hitched up to any of their daughters,’ his expression suggested no enthusiasm for any of the proposed selection ‘We could claim they were seeking revenge,’

‘Ah,’ said Hulstrum with the closest he could come to in terms of a smile ‘Since that old fool,’ he cleared his throat ‘The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One was heard to exclaim ‘Fel Beasts’, we could say there were definitely magics, and blame shamen from the barbaric north, hired by agents or agencies from Hasselduff, Moochenmuch or Grunzelpratz, in any combination. These shamen are rascals, all dressed in immodest rags, waving sticks with bones and speaking in unnecessary heavy accents made worse by gibbering and capering. They will suit the purpose fine,’ he glowered into a large wine cup ‘Probably true anyway,’

‘Now that is splendid thinking friends!’ exclaimed Hanselfrendlesten ‘All we need to do is announce we have uncovered this evidence, gather up our own retinues, a few companies their nobles don’t want to pay for, for a short time and some witless types who think they’d make good soldiers. We then cross a border, doesn’t matter which one. March up and down in a stern, restrained way, it’s called a Demonstration. Someone will get nervous, hand over a few folk they don’t like as scapegoat hostages and let us have the said dupes’ properties. We go return, honour satisfied and by then the girls should have come to their senses,’ he swilled wine ‘I like it!’

‘Indeed!’ exclaimed Frendlehanz, thinking on a nice piece of northern Hasselduff which would suit his purposes for his large garden with a town ‘In the morning we shall place this before my father and his nobles. Let us to rest gentlemen!’

‘Will you two be sharing a bed?’ Hanselfrendlesten, asked, smirking.

‘Stretch not your good fortune, brother,’ Frendlehanz retorted with a sardonic emphasis on the last word.

In other apartments a serious discussion between The Chancellor of the Exchequer, The High Diplomat and the princesses Whinsome and Aureyborealice had gone on long into the night. The men had listened intently to Whinsome, rarely had they been privy to such intelligent and well-reasoned discourse, as she explained why Arch-High Elect Supervisors for The Supreme One said what they had said and the underlying ramifications upon the various religious services and ceremonies of ignoring anything said by The Arch-High Elect Supervisor. In the light of this she then went on to explain just how binding the wedding pronouncements were.

‘Would that you could be allowed to address our bishops and clerics,’ said The High Diplomat. ‘And make them see the sense of the predicament ,’

‘They would not listen to a woman,’ lamented Whinsome. ‘They will be telling each I have lost my reason and am but an hysterical woman. Even if they agreed with me, they wouldn’t want me to be seen to be convincing them. They would have to have a conference, the sort that lasts a year and everyone gets crosser by the day,’

The Chancellor of the Exchequer was forming words into what he thought was an acceptable form of solution, when Aureyborealice who had been finished off a cream cake said thoughtfully.

‘Dear Chancellor of the Exchequer? Art not the bishops and various senior clerics exempt from taxation? Yet if things go badly and lead to war, might you have to turn to them for taxations to pay for said war? Yet if they were listen to dear Whinsome, who is quite the cleverest when compared to them, might they find it in their,’ she coughed politely ‘Hearts and minds to consider the points she had raised and thus the immediacy of such a war be avoided?’

The Chancellor of the Exchequer having heard from Aureyborealice exactly his line of reasoning, was impressed. If he had ever had the time to have a daughter, he wished they would have been blessed with the same insight as this most fayre of princesses. Indeed there was more to her than the singing, dancing and discousring with creatures and flora. 

Aureyborealice concluded the meeting by saying everyone must be so dreadfully tired and she and Whinsome were going to repair to her apartments, being a modest sized Manse (a manse being a Mansion that wasn’t allowed to reach its full potential) to repose.

‘Princess Whinsome?’ asked The High Diplomat in all solicitude ‘Might you need to be covertly escorted back to your parents,’

At this Aureyborealice frowned but said nothing.

‘I fear not,’ Whinsome said with a sigh ‘My parents have long cherished this idea for an independent income by growth and harvesting of Lychees which would flourish in the unusually subtropical climate and mild winters in the region where lies their castle and estates. They plan to sell them as an exclusive product for the general health and well being of the wealthy. Thus from the day I left they will have been busy converting my apartments into offices and storage houses while my private Garden of Repose and Reflection will be dug up for planting purposes,’

‘Digging up a garden!’ Aureyborealice said, for once sounding a little vehement, she gave Whinsome a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and escorted her away murmuring sympathies and solicitudes.

‘Lychees,’ The Chancellor said, speculatively to himself despatches to agents and merchants in other nations forming in his head.

Aureyborealice gathered the staff within her manse together said they should now go to bed and not bother trying to get up early in the morning as everyone would be far too tired, or fuss about her and Whinsome as they were quite capable of looking after themselves; adding

‘These are singular times,’ she said, but brightly ‘I daresay if everyone acts in a sensible and calm manner it can all be sorted out. If anyone bothers us, I will tell them the entire manse is in a state of religious reflection and repose. In fact with the aid our goodly own priests Whinsome and I will place the necessary scared ribbons across the doors, then good gentlemen you too can have a very long lie-in tomorrow,’

When all was done Aureyborealice nudged Whinsome into the bedroom, Whinsome being very shy.

‘I think you are my husband,’ Whinsome said ‘At least from the general theological and church law this must be so,’

‘Well I could be yours,’ Aureyborealice observed ‘There does not seem to be any guidance on that topic. I think it best if we say we are each other’s spouses otherwise people will get in such a tangle if one claims traditional titles,’

‘Very wise dear Aureyborealice. We should say Spouse By The Will and Wisdom of The Supreme Being, As Declared and Witnessed By The Arch-High Elect Supervisor. If we say it quick and coherently enough it will fuddle most folk enough into acceptance,’

‘Quite so dear Whinsome. Let us then prepare and get into bed I don’t know about you but I am so tired,’

Whinsome was rather glad to hear bed being associated with sleep as some girls of free and unconventional spirit…..Well you could never tell.

She was even more relieved when no sooner than they were in the large bed did issue from Aureyborealice‘s side a long series of snores.

Sleep did not fall upon Whinsome quite so quickly, for truth be known, there in the dark and alone to herself she admitted the whole business had become rather exciting.

Lady Frastreiayal  of the Grim Northern Mountain of Urnnnng went to bed, puzzled. She had been looking forward to viewing all the fuss on her mirrors, now she felt rather anxious to see what was taking place.

Was something unforeseen taking place?

Pt IV: An Officially Not Jolly Aftermath 

What indeed did happen in the immediate following the exit of Doctrindoss The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One, other than a lot of folk ran this way or that( depending on their circumstances)? Firstly, there was much talking at once. Secondly lots of urchins took the opportunity to snaffle as much of the several laid out wedding feasts, so much so they took a great deal back to their families, and at least that usually unfortunate section of society were jolly.

Thirdly King Genially, promptly stopped being jolly, as did most of his court, some of whom being more athletic hauled a few bishops and clerics over to demand what the fornacazoni (a dreadful oath) was going on….meanwhile the Chancellor of the Exchequer and The High Diplomat repaired away to a quite place to discuss matters.

As regards the four young folk:

‘What has come to pass!’ demanded Hulstrum (currently ,the exceptionally bothered) , for now he had no one to legally hit and since the fog had cleared so he couldn’t thwack Hanselfrendlesten (the slightly concussed) anymore. Thus Hulstrum was very cross

‘I’ve been heavily struck in the old gazongas,’ complained Frendlehanz (the presently incapacitated).

‘I’ve got a piece of earth in my ear,’ announced Aureyborealice (still very beautiful but then in a rustically ruffled way) clearing it out with the very unprincess-like application of finger to ear ‘ole.

‘What are the ‘old gazongas’?’ Whinsome( of the somewhat sheltered life) enquired, via the girl’s clean ear of Aureyborealice (the more familiar with Nature) who  whispered discreetly back ‘Remember that of which I explained to you concerning Men and Women…well….’

‘Oh,’ responded Whinsome ‘What a dreadfully vulgar statement to make out loud,’ and thus became quite stern about the whole business.

‘In answer to your question Prince Hulstrum,’ said Winsome quite firmly while, consulting her small book of prominent theological points, she always carried with her, because one never knew when it would come in handy ‘It is definitely the case that you and Prince Frendlehanz have been married unto each other, while I,’ she glanced to Aureyborealice, currently engaged on cleaning out the other ear ‘Am married to Aureyborealice,’

The three other gave out with various expressions of surprise, meanwhile her brother Hanselfrendlesten said.

‘That’s what I thought. Thank Frib’ (a mild oath) for that. I thought I might have been knocked quite out of my wits,’

This statement was not of any use to Princes Frendlehanz and Hulstrum, far from it. They both stood up and goggled at the women, Frendlehanz’s normally equitable mood prejudiced by the previously mentioned injury.

‘Yes. Very funny joke. Ha-ha-ha,’ Frendlehanz said, truth be known at the time not feeling jolly, in fact not even the least bit jocular ‘Now come sweet Whinsome and take my hand, dearest wife,’ at which the princess recoiled, actually into the arms and earth stained hands of Aureyborealice (the now bemused)

‘Nay good sir. I beg you not,’ cried Whinsome in all sincerity and now, not caring much for a fellow who used vulgarities out loud within earshot of young women ‘For our unions have been commanded unto us by The Supreme Being through His Wiseness Doctrindoss The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One, and are thus sacred,’ these words she said with such intensity that Aureyborealice thought what she had initially believed to be a big ol’ helping of gooseberry gurgle pudding (a rather sticky bowl of goo beloved by peasants but also a metaphor for a mess) was actually the truth, the whole truth and nothing but a chuckling sort of truth. She patted Whinsome on the shoulder.

‘Well versed(ed) in the laws, theology  and wisdom of The Supreme Being and his allotted, or whatever,’ Aureyborealice said, for although she loved her brother, she also thought he could be a bit of smug stiff-neck at times and needed taking down a bit, adding ‘Is my beloved wife,’ Whinsome’s eyes widened a bit; for she had not thought of that implication, was Aureyborealice her husband then?

‘My Lady!’ cried Hulstrum at Aureyborealice, determined not to let the blonde weirdo  get away with that ‘Thou art now my spouse, won in fayre contest, defending your honour!’ and stepped towards her ‘Now behave as a goodly spouse,’

‘Brother!’ cried Aureyborealice in horror (much feigned) ‘How can(st) you let your wife so speak(eth) thus to me, currently second in line to the throne of Dingledong,’

At this Whinsome sternly regraded Hulstrum and said.

‘Wife knoweth thy place. For The Supreme One hath bless(ed) you with the state of matrimony,’ quoting from some Holy Book or other; having taken something of an instant dislike to Hulstrum; truth also be known, not a too difficult task.

At this the previously non-contributory Prince Hanselfrendlesten broke into a snort of laughter so loud even some of the closer hub-bubing folk noticed it. He thence commenced to roll about the ground holding his sides in gleeful amusements; happily for those of delicate sensibilities his laughter and chortles masked up some of the ribald suggestions he was making to his two fellow princes.

Frendlehanz (the now huffy) feeling that maybe Hanselfrendlesten had certain shallowness to his character he did not care for turned to Hulstrum and said.

‘We shall repair to my father and explain these three have been struck witless and all is null and void due to whychteri craft. It will be an inconvenience of course to have to go through the ceremonies again, but good Hulstrum my sister will be your wife by the end of the month,’

Hulstrum’s previous lack of enthusiasm was burnt aside by the very audible dismissive and vulgar ‘sound’ from Aureyborealice. He would soon show the uppity twitess! And off he stomped, Frendlehanz due to the persisting effects of his recent injury hobbled in his wake. Hanselfrendlesten calling after them ‘but you have not kissed the bride yet,’ being of no help in mollifying matters.

King Genially was still clinging to the notion that it had been but a simple whychteri attack by fel forces intent on disrupting the wedding. He wished everyone would stop talking at once, waving hands and Holy Books in the air, adding to this was an outer circle of those parents who could only account for ten and five out of the twenty and six bridesmaids. What really set the whole business up into quite another level was the arrival of the two aggrieved princes and their announcement as to just what the two princesses were asserting. At this point some of the bishops and clerics tried to sneak off.  Once more they were detained by those of the athletic part of the court and told with a sort of rough civility to explain matters, sensibly, without a load of theological incomprehensibilities.

‘Tis an unfortunate-ness,’ dithered the one shoved forward by his associates ‘There maybe, based on the theological principal of Devine Wisdom a certain validity to their statement,’ at this point for similar reasons to those of Queen Domesticia’s (remember her- currently being tended to by ladies in waiting) he too fainted.

‘Come hither daughter!’

That shut most folk up they had never heard there previous jolly and easy going Good Ol’ King Genially boom in the manner of one of those vulgar nobles, (thankfully from other places).

With an infuriatingly placid and sunny smile Aureyborealice while holding Whinsome’s hand skipped (barefooted- her ornate wedding shoes had been pinching her toes and heels all the morning) over the sward (a fancy name for grass) or in Whinsome’s case ‘dragged a bit’ to her father.

‘What is this foolishness!’ he demanded, to which Whinsome shocked by this display of unjolliness  hid a little behind Aureyborealice, having a crouch a bit being one thumb’s (average) height taller.

‘Dear Father and Dread Sovereign . ‘Tis not foolishness. ‘Tis unusual I will admit to thee. Yet by my troth I wilt take honoured oath unto thee I did witness’ when Aureyborealice particularly wanted her way she was inclined to lapse into annoyingly correct courtly language which folk found difficult to argue with ‘That which hath taken place was indeed by act and wisdom of the Supreme One by and through his representative of Earth Doctrindoss The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One,‘

At this Whinsome peeked around Aureyborealice‘s shoulder and with slight nervous smile squeaked.

‘ Tis so,’ and waved her small book of prominent theological points, the reading from it said.

‘Question ye not The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One, when he speak(eth) on matter of belief for he is but the voice of the Great Wisdom of The Supreme One,’

She did have a few more things to say to elaborate on that statement but all the men assembled gave out with many loud cries of outrage and argument and as a group set forth to seek out the fellow Doctrindoss (now being referred to by that subsidiary title of Old Fool)  gathering others as they went. All either having an opinion or demanding to know what was going on. The delegations of the three smaller kingdoms of Hasselduff, Moochenmuch and Grunzelpratz piling in, intimating none of this would have happened if one of their relevant daughters had been chosen; this affronted those of Trundlealong who turned to their prince Hanselfrendlesten (the now reasonably conscious) for guidance. He being fearfully loyal to his sister took a simple solution and punched someone from Hasselduff in the face. Hulstrum seeing a fresh opportunity to thwack Hanselfrendlesten again strode into the situation, only to get accidentally struck on the jaw by someone from Moochenmuch to which he responded with greater vigour than his hapless assailant. Somebody from Grunzelpratz labouring under the delusion that they were a wit called upon Frendlehanz ‘to control his wife’, Frendlehanz having heard that line already and not restrained by family ties set about the fellow. Thus did the three princes of Dingledong, Trundlealong and Chilbin form a hasty alliance against the small hosts of Hasselduff, Moochenmuch and Grunzelpratz, AND retinues of all sorts piled in. Bishops and clerics were blamed by some and since (in those times) no one could assail with sword or fist religious folk the unfortunate men  had trifles and cream cakes smeared on them. King Genially being shoved, elbowed, trod on and poked demonstrated how really, very unjolly he now was took sides with his son and kneed a very loud duke of Grunzelpratz in the butt.

Aureyborealice escorted Whinsome away from this. As they journeyed away they were approached two calm and composed men each escorted by two soldiers in dark armour, surcoats and visored helms.

‘My ladies,’ one said. ‘Our Masters, The Chancellor of the Exchequer and The High Diplomat would like to speak with you. Please do not be afraid. They require only your opinions,’

In a smallish discreet apartment introductions were made by Aureyborealice to set Whinsome’s slightly palpitating heart at rest, and the two men both very composed and not the least bit threatening simply asked her if she could please explain from her viewpoint just what had taken place. While she explained the theological interpretations based on the circumstances, legal applications of said interpretations and academic opinions on possible factual basis pertaining to events of yore, Aureyborealice munching on a snaffled piece of cake gazed out the window and noted it was suddenly pouring down with rain turning the neatly cared for sward into a muddy, very slippery field and so the eruption of violence was turning into something quite comic as many a self important fellow fell down on their well-flesh(ed) hindquarters, to be tripped over by those athletic types.

‘Hmmm,’ she said unto herself as she studied the skies.

Meanwhile the author of the sudden downpour, Lady Frastreiayal  of the Grim Northern Mountain of Urnnnng, sat under a vacant awning seeming to comfort a duchess (who had misplaced her bridesmaid daughter) all while thinking it was a morning’s good work of mischief.  ‘Them and their smug, complacent jolliness….hah!’ (she thought unto herself) She would return to the Grim Northern Mountain of Urnnnng and from a distance via a magic mirror or six enjoy the whole aftermath.

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part I

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part II

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part III

Part III: The Jolly Wedding

As High Spring Observation Day approached with joy, merriment and happiness reaching such levels in Dingledong that even the revered village grumpy old men, (a position of much diligence) were seen to secretively crack their faces and mutter ‘Yeah I suppose no harm will come of this particular tomfoolery’. And tax collectors were observed saying to the poor ‘Pfft! Like the King is gonna miss your six bronze pfennies? It’s writ off. Have a nice day,’

Prince Frendlehanz (The Handsome Groom, general all round nice guy, and an interest in gardens) spoke with his many young male friends and official Witness To The Groom Prince Hanselfrendlesten (Also handsome, brother of the bride, liked warfare) and said:

‘Ok guys. We’ve had some laughs of late, but tomorrow is going to be kind of solemn and means a lot to the parents, and the ordinary folk, so let’s tone down the ribald stuff, keep your hands off the girls, until party time that is, and I know this is tough but try and be nice to the Chilbin lot, y’know how touchy they can be, particularly Hulstrum ; looking at you there Hanselfrendlesten,’ he said these words in such a good natured way that every young man including Hanselfrendlesten, laughed, toasted his health and got the last few ribald remarks out of their systems.

Now as was the custom Princess Aureyborealice (beautiful, kindly, delightful to folk and the environment, artistically gifted etc) being sister of the Groom was designated Companion to The Bride; being , Princess Whinsome (reasonably beautiful; possessed of russet hair, kindly,  good at needlework and theologically astute). Thus as was the custom they were locked up together (in a civilised and restrained way) in a comfortable apartment for the day prior to the wedding. Ostensibly to rehearse their duties at the ceremony and mediate on the correct and goodly ways of a wife or young maidens who weren’t wives yet. This was their first meeting but kindly Aureyborealice being uncaring of etiquettes and decorums in general stuck out her hand and said.

‘Hello I am Aureyborealice. Nice to meet you Whinsome. I am so happy we’re going to be sisters. This is a nice apartment but it is so stuffy on such a sunny day. I know a secret way out to a very small garden no one cares about. Do you want to go for a walk?’

Whinsome  as a result of much attention to needlework and theology was somewhat reserved, but being just as kindly as Aureyborealice took her hand survived the enthusiastic shake and in a polite soft voice said.

‘Oh that would be nice. I would like some fresh air,’

Thus Aureyborealice showed Whinsome how to sneak unseen in and out of the apartments; for unbeknown to the whole kingdom Aureyborealice had a sweetly mischievous side and as long as no harm was done to anyone had a very flexible approach to rules, regulations and conventions. Thus did she show Princess Whinsome that it was perfectly fine to walk barefooted in the grass, sit down in and upon places which were not artificially crafted and scrupulously cleaned by diligent servants and also how to converse with things not people. They got back in time for a luncheon after which Aureyborealice and Whinsome were slightly dutiful by going through their required nuptial rehearsal, albeit (at Aureyborealice‘s instigation) with the bridal crown worn at somewhat comical angles two impromptu dances and a few funny faces.

‘Oh thank you sister to be,’ said Whinsome ‘You have put my mind somewhat at ease, I can cope with the ceremony, ’tis no worse than the ten extremely dull and convoluted ceremonies of obligations the Bishops of Trundlealong have thought up to secure their jobs, but I am nervous about our wedding night, for no one has explained anything to do about what passes twixt a husband and wife,’

‘How very remiss,’ said Aureyborealice with concern ‘Whereas I have no direct experience I have sneaked into parts of the Royal Libraries I am not supposed to read many of the books which go into great detail on the subject; why so book many I cannot think there seems to be some repetition. Anyway in addition from inadvertently chancing upon places where servants and lesser staff go to indulge in each other it would seem the whole business is enjoyed by both parties. Let me explain,’

‘Oh my,’ said Whinsome afterwards,

‘Worry not sister to be. For I have overheard some of less prudent of the young women of alleged noble birth say of my brother ‘No complaints there,’ which I did feel a trifle vulgar and inopportune. But let us not trouble you any further, let us sneak away into the garden to watch the sunset,’

Meanwhile unbeknown to both bridal and groomal parties Lady Frastreiayal watched them with the aid of small magic mirror, which she had cunningly disguised as a small mirror and did smirk unto herself at the trouble she was about to bring unto them. She was, truth be known, not a particularly evil person and there were some rugged folk who had felt IF she had done something to her cheatin’ father and his fluffy little schemer then her only crime wuz being caught out. That night she gathered unto herself all the spells, magics and magiks she needed for the next day.

And did the Great Day arrive. Because the weather was so pleasant it had been agreed on an outdoors ceremony as that many folk crammed into a church was not conducive to the maintenance of jolliness. Everyone was dressed in their finery, or in the case of the peasants clean common cloth with some ribbons. With the aid of functionaries, servants and soldiers selected for exceptional reserves of patience all the nobles and folk with money  were put in their right places. There was the expected small problem of Hulstrum (For Diplomatic Reasons The Mostly Morose and Only Slightly Fierce) who insisted he had to sit at the very front row of guests because his father had told him to demand so, personally he couldn’t have cared less. He was accommodated as Aureyborealice was nowhere near him.  There was music, ceremonial pre-ceremonies, various religious folk walked up and down doing religious things while servants and others made sure Doctrindoss The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One was escorted to a dais which had a conveniently high and plush back to it designed to look as if it was NOT propping him up.

There came the expected murmurs of appreciation as along in a tasteful restrained stride came Prince Frendlehanz (benign smile to everyone) escorted by Prince Hanselfrendlesten (also tasteful stride and trying not to smirk at Hulstrum –currently stiff-backed and grim faced). After a suitable pause thence to the audible gasps of delight (and relief of the wedding planners who had been hoping for this reactions) came Princesses Whinsome and Aureyborealice whose dresses were long and flowing, flowery, and very white; both maids were pictures of innocent beauty and dignity and trying not to remember after a few glasses of wine last night’s Who Can Do The Best Vocal Impression of Farm Animal competition. In the very farthest of back rows sat Lady Frastreiayal (vengeful if in an ironic way-wait and see)

All went acceptably well for a while as Doctrindoss (ponderous and determined) went through all the preambles, aided by a mechanical device which made his voice boom out and stop folks falling asleep while the four young folk were stalwart in standing, with straight faces Whinsome and Frendlehanz doing the covert glancing thing.

Then Frastreiayal, eyes ever on Hulstrum struck. She made small, deft gestures as if wiping from her eyes sentimental tears and whispered incantations under the guise of small phrases of delight at the ceremony.

Firstly the clear bright sky was gloomified by a sudden mist which fell as a thickish fog about the place.

‘Fear not and stay in place,’ mechanically aided Doctrindoss boomed out ‘For ’tis naught by a blanket of softness bestowed by The Supreme One to shade all from the heat of the over generous sun. What hath commenced(ed) shall not be stopped(eth),’ And he carried on, even if everyone was having problems seeing everyone else. For as was the regionally accepted  belief of those days once The Arch-High Elect Supervisor for The Supreme One had started not even kings nor queens could stop This Servant (or The Old Fool as some would have)  of the Supreme One. The four young folk managed by whispers, nudges of feet, tentative grasps of elbows etc to keep in contact.

Meanwhile Frastreiayal(having fun) by secret means sent messages into the mind of Hulstrum (militarily alert for nonsense) to beware for evil plots that none of the rest (all foolish) seemed to be aware of. He took these as instincts warning him. He would not have been surprised if some barbaric shamans had sneaked in, actually he was pretty certain of it, particularly when Frastreiayal conjured into the murky process some largish, slightly brutal and very clumsy creatures from the flatish places of The Grim Northern Mountain of Urnnnng who she had during her tenure there treated in a fondish, pettish sort of way. All they did was lumber, blunder and bray- which quite frankly was enough. But Frastreiayal added her crowning touch into Hulstrum’s mind she whispered ‘Now is your chance. Save everyone and win the hand of fayre Aureyborealice,’ . Well, personally, he still couldn’t have cared what happened to the annoying little freak, except a paternal order was a paternal order, and anyway he was in the right mood to hit things. Thus knocking the squawking old fool next to him off of their chair, he broke off a leg of said chair and waded into the confusion (of course he should have used a leg of his own chair, but he was in that sort of mood).

As Frastreiayal  had planned all was chaos. Doctrindoss would not be stopped and boomed out ‘The Supreme One’s Hand will not be stayed. Away with these fel beasts,’. Hulstrum taking advantage of a perfectly good opportunity thwacked Hanselfrendlesten on the head felling him before the fellow could get started, then went about crying ‘Away ye creatures! Begone!’  Frendlehanz (as befitted a prince of a realm) cried out ‘Fear not I will save you!’ until some panicked bishop accidentally  caught him in the ‘delicates’ with a staff supposed to be for religious purposes, and the poor lad doubled up. Aureyborealice used to evicting from her gardens straying cows, ill-tempered cats and animals bent on mischief called ‘Don’t have fear sister to be, I will see these silly things off,’ and grasping the downed staff while yelling ‘Go on! Shoo! Shoo!’ held their bit of the field nobly. Whinsome, wisely hunkered down and prayed. Thus did three young folk call out defiant words to the attackers, one groaned ‘Oh my wedding night,’ one sat holding his head and saying impolite words until Hulstrum thwacked him (Hanselfrendlesten that is) again, for the heck of it. All the while Hulstrum cried out (in a less than enthusiastic manner) ‘Fear not Princess Aureyborealice, by fealty and traditions you are safe with me, thus I do swear(eth)!’ This was a sort of hasty proposal made in extreme situations such as battles, severe weather or if the father of a young woman caught her with a young man in a particular situation and the young guy wanted to keep his delicates intact. Actually Aureyborealice, defending her sister to be wasn’t paying the least bit attention, while on the question of tactical deployment Hulstrum didn’t have any idea where she was and in trying to locate her tripped over someone, scrambled up and mind now set wholly on battle set to defend his piece of turf.

The struggle was frenetic and frantic indeed, blows were landed on the beasts, who didn’t notice much, calls were heard from males to maids to not be afraid, maids were too busy giving account of themselves or praying to notice, Bishops and their clerics were not a lot of use, members of the congregation, functionaries and soldiers all got in each others ways, some subsequently happy bridesmaids were carried to secluded safety by brave young fellows and from time to time everyone fell over. Doctrindoss deciding the obvious, that this was all detracting from the solemnity of the situation made a theological decision and called out:

‘The Will of The Supreme One is not to be foiled by evils. Begone fel beasts!’ Frastreiayal having seen her scheme going well assisted him and the beasts went back home, which made the old guy think he still had it and continued  ‘Thus Let it be known,’ he peered into the gloom and feeling there had been too much familiarity between four young folk during a wedding ceremony, but having quite forgotten names and faces called out ‘You and you AND you and you be judged by the Will of The Supreme One married!’ and as the mists wafted away made the most solemn and scared sign of matrimony over…

The somewhat sprawled figures of  Frendlehanz AND Hulstrum, also Aureyborealice AND Whinsome. They all stopped scrambling and shouting themselves hoarse, looked at each other then at Doctrindoss, who regarded the two couples with a bemused remoteness.

‘Thus has the Supreme One decreed,’ he boomed in one last statement, looking to Frendlehanz AND Hulstrum then Aureyborealice AND Whinsome. He closed up the relevant Holy Book and walked off, with bishops and assorted clerics who had not fled rushing after him dithering, calling out objections and waving pages of other Holy Books to him and each other. He cared not. Under extreme duress he had carried out not one but two marriage ceremonies and driven off fel beasts all at the same time. Not so bad for someone of three and eighty years of age. Minor details were of no concern to The Supreme One and thus not to him.

In the aftermath the two couples, still sprawled on the grass, continued to stare from one to another. Prince Hanselfrendlesten sat and said nothing because seeing and hearing what he thought he had seen and heard made him feel maybe that second ‘thwack’ had addled his senses completely.

Queen Domestica’s fortitude already stretched to breaking point by getting Doctrindoss there in the first place and then the day before the wedding’s attendant hoo-ahhs, simply fainted.

Frastreiayal who had merely intended for a lot of chaos, cancellation of the wedding, a  few minor injuries, the exquisite family and societal embarrassment of Hulstrum rolling all over Aureyborealice while arguing he had made a goodly proposal and the resulting political implications could not believe her good fortune and slipped quietly away under cover of  the greatest of hub-bubs ever witnessed in Dingledong.

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part I

Aureyborealice, A Fable in Several Parts…Part II