No one of at least reasonable intelligence, perception and maturity had expected the Earth to suddenly be confronted with a large space fleet. One day the cosmological community were going about their usual varied activities collecting and evaluating data, all methodical and calculated pace. The next day there were several times several million tons of advanced technology and construction quite getting in the way.
Quite sensible attempts were made to communicate. The responses were formal pronouncements to wait for further communication. These conveyed the tones of ‘Do As You Are Told’.
First were predictable attempts to hurl munitions at the fleet, these barely reached the commercial aircraft cruising height before they came back down in very, very tiny bits. The places from which the munitions had originated suffered similarly, the very, very tiny bits going upwards.
Brave aircrews taking to the skies, found out the complex electronics on their craft were doing very odd things and in general wisely ejected. which was as well since all the aircraft were being hauled by known forces skywards and beyond.
To occupy themselves while waiting for whatever and relieve the tension, scientists of various disciplines tried to figure out The How of what was going; governments having even less to do concentrated on the business of maintaining order, obstinately by arresting large amounts of folk they had been trying to think of reasons for, for some time.
And armies being told not to provoke the visitors shot at mobs whose members really should have stayed indoors.
Then the next day across all methods of communications came warnings that landfall arrival was imminent and not to do anything hostile. Many smaller but nonetheless big enough dark grey craft descended upon capitals, and places of strategic importance, discharging human-looking armed figures dressed in equally dark grey armoured uniforms and helmets. The few folk nearby who were fixated with that most virulent of Human diseases, Terminal Stupidity attempted to resist. They also ended up in tiny, tiny pieces going in various directions. Aside from them there was no damage done that day.
The message sternly and efficiently delivered was quite obvious.
Do not provoke.
Those who seemed to be commanders did actually ask, in those serious tones in many languages to be taken to ‘your leaders’.
The general feeling was not to laugh. Anyone who might was stifled by those other folk close at hand, gagged, tied up then dragged off somewhere out of sight and hearing.
Leaders all over the world were confronted by stern tall fellows of composed features, as was a meeting of the UN. The message was simple.
Earth was now part of The Disstarn’Gahn Empire. There would be a period of adjustment. In the meantime, the planet was allowed to go about its non-military business. The latter part of the announcement was unscored by all sites of nuclear weapons being subject to severe malfunctions of all equipment, including toilets which was probably the most effective action. All naval craft over five hundred tons having been surveyed by pale green beams began to leak and slowly sink on account of developing hundreds of incredibly tiny holes.
Financial Markets and Religions did not know what to make of it.
Normally the internet would have been alive with conspiracies, mostly fringe religious pronouncements, annoyingly smug folk saying ‘Toldja’ in various languages. Empty-headed folk tried to take and post up selfies of them standing next to the invaders.
Such was the impression by the invaders there were a relative few of these usual human displays of feeblemindedness. Those who resorted to social media commentary found their screens filled with static, then a brief message which read in many languages. ‘Stop it. NOW,’. The very small percentage who persisted suffered the same fate as their machines, that being reduced to tiny, tiny bits. The selfie folk were sprayed from small canisters with something which made them promptly sit down and stare vacantly for the count of one thousand.
Across the world, the message was reinforced.
Do not provoke.
After the passage of one hundred days, many folk previously in authority were replaced and rather relieved to be so since they were just told to go away. Others with no ambitions and feelings of self-importance, but generally efficient were, whether they liked it or not, were put in place instead, under the supervision of dry, humourless Disstarn’Gahn officials who handed out instructions and orders with a patient, slightly distant paternalistic air.
Armed forces were to be retained but generally as rescue and repair forces, and supply some assistance to local law enforcement to keep things in hand until the Disstarn’Gahn would turn up to finalise the problem.
There was about the planet a distinct feeling of anti-climax.
Mixed with relief.
And apprehension, for after all every record of human history was replete with either graphic or sub-textual themes of conquerors being beastly to the conquered at some stage. Occasionally somewhere, somewhen folk would notice very tiny, tiny bits of ‘stuff’ drifting down out of the sky to remind them.
Someone had provoked the Disstarn’Gahn.
During the aforementioned passage of one hundred days, the rules had begun to appear. To begin with, these took the original Do As You Are Told format. As the Disstarn’Gahn had obviously seized all computer information the vast majority of folk via their phones, laptops, games consoles, workplace machinery, TVs, and radios were kept updated. You went to work. You could have leisure time, but in a restrained and muted way. After a while, you were allowed social media just so long as the commentary related to restrained and muted activities. Personal travel could be undertaken on approved routes in a responsible manner at reduced speeds.
The substantial number of folk on Earth had become weary of violence by those of small minds, ill-earned fame, and riches by those of hysterical personalities but little talent, those equally hysterical who made up stories supported by other hysterics and some of talent who reckoned they had the right to play at being celestial. Therefore, as those within these categories gradually disappeared either into tiny, tiny bits or just were no longer there, the remainder adapted contently to a peaceful if somewhat mundane existence. For those whose previous life had been one of hunger, fear, and general uncertainty, Mundane was fine.
Even if there were rules.
Two thousand, four hundred and thirty-two to be exact. Not every rule applied to every person, but The Disstarn’Gahn were a folk who were precise for every occasion. And anyway, folk only suffered at first an admonishment, repeated transgressions of any rules after then resulted in gradually harsher admonishments, until…
Everyone was getting used to that.
Scientists, scholars, and generally serious mature folk of all sorts were naturally still curious. The former were told they would still have to find out things for themselves but were given advanced equipment, which suited them. Scholars were left to ponder on the Implications of this event. Serious Mature Folk with investigative minds conducted very discreet digging of facts. One which came to light early on was that a large number of the more disruptive unpleasant sorts were being taken off planet. That suited a lot of folk.
There was the Other Question though.
Why Us? What purpose did this invasion serve? For we were obviously isolated in galactic terms. Since The Disstarn’Gahn did not indulge in social interactions with Humanity, the matter was going to take some time.
Those Serious Mature Folk with investigative minds encouraged others idling in boredom from all manner of disciplines and professions. Discoveries were made by painstaking stealthy observations. Contacts and exchanges of information were conducted by the ancient art of paper and ink through messengers. The whole business was naturally complex and time-consuming. Years.
The first discovery was the fate of those taken off planet.
It was a known fact The Disstarn’Gahn did not have a sense of humour but were curious about this Human trait in its manifold forms. Thousands of malcontents were marshaled into the activity. The Disstarn’Gahn truly wanted to see if anyone did survive having an anvil dropped on their head or being blown up by human explosives. Other unfortunates were grouped in large armies dressed as clowns to crash at each other in vehicles honking horns, while more ran about striking opponents with mallets or emptying vast amounts of liquid on them; it was discovered only water was relatively safe. There was much slapping, kicking and eye-poking, and falling out of buildings. Since those involved suffered injuries, fatalities, or at least emotional distress and none appeared to enjoy participating in the activities. The experiments were abandoned, and the survivors sent off to work on farm planets. Salutary information indeed.
As is common with Research there were Unintended Consequences. Some by accident, others by the application of the Sideways Glance, seeming to look at one thing while actually watching for the true subject. The endeavour was to learn more of The Disstarn’Gahn. Something officially discouraged by the race. To do this many folk worked covertly on the invader’s language under the guise of varied subjects of Arts, Sciences and creating Commonalty of Human Languages (An obscure term that slipped all supervisory activities). Eventually, something of a surprise arose, so much so that several years elapsed while linguists of every culture were consulted on the findings.
The results were irrefutable. From whichever language you looked at the name of the conquerors, when finally translated into any local vernacular it came out as.
Funny.
The variations were numerous. From ‘The Great Wibble-Wobbles’ to the ‘Old Flabby Bottoms’ with divergences such as the very quirky ‘More Fish Please.’
This was a great problem for Humanity. Conquerors with superior weaponry, lacking a sense of humour and most likely irony would not take well to their subjects pointing and giggling. Chances of provocation were too high. Secret discourses took place and the more trustworthy of phlegmatic Humans who had been drafted into service were taken into confidence and the difficulty discussed.
One of Humanity’s few gifts was to conclude at some times ‘Yes. We see The Problem,’
After some musing as only administrators and defter sort of politicians were capable of, those of eloquent brevity, diplomatic astuteness, and not a little courage were tasked. A common strategy was reached.
Each in their own way sought audience with rulers. They explained Humanity was grateful but suffering Existentialist Dilemma. By good cultural fortune this concept was understood by The Disstarn’Gahn.
It was explained to them Humanity was worried as to the dignity of The Disstarn’Gahn. In researching for a common language and using that of The Disstarn’Gahn as a template the issue of ‘unfortunate translations’ of the race’s name had been uncovered. Some relatively insipid examples were selected such as ‘They Who Sniffle’ and ‘People Who Need Cushions’.
Since this was conducted with much supplication and apparent distress, The Disstarn’Gahn took the matter very seriously. For galactically speaking they had opponents equal in ability to contend with. It would not do for these to learn the most recent Disstarn’Gahn conquests thought conquerors to be entertaining. Stellar empires being possessed of great self-importance. Therefore, a simple solution should be adopted, one which would keep this private between the two planets.
Earth’s highest-ranking locals were told their progress, maturity, and obedience had been noted. Their status would be elevated to Favoured Beneficiaries, which meant Earth was effectively independent but cordoned off. Considering its relative remoteness this was easy.
Aside from a few small, discreet observation posts, there was no longer any evidence of The Disstarn’Gahn.
Those Humans who had full knowledge of the situation swore themselves to secrecy and all evidence of the matter was hidden in deep places. The Disstarn’Gahn pronouncement passed into history as a simple fact. And Earth into an era of global cooperation and acceptance of variety.
Leaving one unanswered question. Considered too provocative to pursue until stellar progress was made.
Why the heck had The Disstarn’Gahn come in the first place?
Writing Despite Computers and Programmes 